Queen Bees & Wannabes

What an excellent book!!! I can advise anyone with a teenage or pre-teenage girl to read this. Thank you so much Rosalind Wiseman, you are indeed a wise woman!

You probably know by now that I have been going through a fair bit of ups and downs with my 14 year old. I was down more than her :-) I always thought that she must be on the right track, but doubted myself every now and again. Now I can stop worrying about her always being on the fringes of some or other group. It is actually good to be like that - hooray :-).

Rosalind sums it up like this: "Group cohesion is based on unquestioned loyalty to the leaders and an us-versus-the world mentality". You see, that is the one simple reason why my girl is never part of the clique - she doesn't have unquestioned loyalty to the leaders and will not defend them against the world when they are in the wrong.

Rosalind's description of the different roles of girls in a clique is so spot-on , it is amasing. This is how she describes the different roles and I will quote the ones applicable to my daughter's group:

1. Queen Bee - The girl whose popularity is based on fear and control. She reigns supreme over the other girls and weakens their friendships with others, thereby strenghtening her own power and influence. She carries on describing traits of such a girl with dot points and every single dot point is applicable to the Queen Bee in my daughter's group.
2. Sidekick - The girls who is closest to the Queen Bee and follows her in everything. The difference between the two is that if you seperate the two, the Sidekick can alter her behaviour for the better, while the Queen Bee would find another Sidekick and begin again. The Sidekick in my daughter's group is the sweetest girl. She has even been with us on a family outing, but me daughter was asked to keep this quiet, because she doesn't want the Queen Bee to hear about it - she will be in trouble for doing something without the Queen Bee.
3. Torn Bystander - She's constantly conflicted between doing the right thing and her allegiance to the clique. She's honest enough with herself to know that she doesn't like what the Queen Bee does, but feels powerless to stop it. This is absolutely the description of my daughter closest friend in the group. This girl has another problem which contributes to her being the Torn Bystander. Their family is very close friends with the Queen Bee's family.
4. Pleaser/Wannabe/Messenger - When there is a fight between two girls or two groups of girls, she often serves as go-between. Her status immediately rises when she's in active duty as a Messenger. This girl in my daughter's group went through a whole list (made up by Queen Bee) of things my daughter are doing wrong. The items on the list were all things to do with my daughter not having "unquestioned loyalty to the leaders ". Hilarious in hindsight.
5. Floater - She has friends in different groups. She usually has protective characteristics that shield her from other girls' cruelty - for example, she's beautiful but not too beautiful, nice, not terribly sophisticated and avoids conflict. She's more likely to have higher self-esteem because she doesn't base her self-worth on how well she's accepted by one group. She'll be less likely to sacrifice herself to gain and keep social status. A perfect description of my daughter.

The knowledge I have gained through this book will give me the power to handle all these situations a little bit better, I hope. I know now that I was overly worried because I thought that she was the only girl in the world who doesn't seem to always belong. I have always told her that the Queen Bee was the one with the problem, but I have also always wrongly encouraged her to make a little more effort to stay with the group. She always seems to be happy to drift between groups and I thought that it was abnormal, but it's not! That is just who she is! I didn't like her attitude of "I can't be bothered to get involved in their fights - it's not worth it". Now I know she's right :-)

I am also using the book to show her why her friends are doing what they are doing. For example why her closest friend (the Torn Bystander) is not defending her in front of the others. She can now understand why some girls in the group trust only her with things like the codes to the combination locks on their lockers - when one is sick she will be the one asked to get books out and bring them home to the sick one - but yet again don't defend her when she is 'in trouble' with the Queen Bee.

I also realise now that I have to encourage her to do whatever feels right to her - her judgement is obviously better than mine in this scenario. Hallelujah!

Teenage girls...AGAIN!!!!

Yeah, well, this is probably what my life will be about for the next... hmmm.... 8 years :-( . Had our 'parent-teacher' interviews last night............. Now see, again, I don't have the standard problems that most mum's of teenage girls struggle with..... NO, I have a child (let's call her C) whom the teachers adore and who is easygoing, but who is disliked by the Queen Bee in class. How do you explain to a teacher that no intervention from them will make it better, it will probably only worsen the situation. Up to now, the teachers haven't been informed of the situation, but they have picked up on it over the past couple of months.

Now this little miss Queen Bee's mum is absolutely over the moon because her high maintenance daughter is suddenly friends with the 'good girls' in class, which is causing me, mum of one of the 'good girls' , sleepless nights. She has joined the group about 4 months ago.

So "what exactly is happening?", you may ask. Well, little miss Queen Bee wants to rule the world, so she has given C a set of rules to adhere to and certain things she needs to change about herself..... or else, sorry you're not good enough for me and the group you've been in for 3 years. It is soooooo stupid and trivial that my 14 year old (and her 12 year old sister) is laughing about it. It is all about C not 'serving' and 'worshipping' the Queen Bee - not that she called it that, but that is exactly what it is.

What are the other 'good girls' doing? They are too scared to be left out of the group, so they ignore it most of the times, instead of speaking up and defending her.

Two of the teachers have started to realize that something is going on which is making C uncomfortable in class. So, last night they wanted to know from me why C has stopped contributing to class discussions. I had to tell them that she is being ostracized by the Queen Bee and that she is feeling very vulnerable in class. If she does speak up in class, Queen Bee's eyes roll heavenwards and C has to explain yet again after class why she is 'up herself'. So C has decided to take the easy way out - she keeps her mouth shut, but the teachers don't like it AT ALL.

So there I was last night, trying to explain to them that there is no easy solution to the problem, but they want to solve this, because it is influencing C's contribution to class. Little miss Queen Bee is obviously well known throughout the school, for all the wrong reasons! Their Maths and Science teacher even told me that she has told the Queen Bee's mum that even though Queen Bee is now friends with the 'good girls' , it hasn't rubbed off on her yet :-) There is obviously huge problems in Queen Bee's life and I am just glad that I am not her mum!

They are going to talk to C today to see if they can teach her to use 'one liners' in situations concerning Queen Bee. I just don't know if my daughter will do it, because she sticks to the fact that she feels that it is not worth it to get involved in a confrontation that is leading nowhere. Even though C is very, very strong and not influenced by the situation other than keeping her mouth shut in class, teachers feel that they can still teach her how to put Queen Bee back between the worker bees.

Oh, my goodness, they are going to stick their hands in a beehive today.....

I'm back!

Phew, that was a looong break! It's not because my life is just perfect and me not having anything to complain about! It's that I don't know where to start!

It is suppose to be spring here in my little corner of the world, but I am not so sure about that. In Africa, where I grew up, we have about 3 days of spring and then it is SUMMER. Not here, oh no, we have to go through the full 3 months of spring, which to me still feels like winter :-( It takes forever to have beach weather. On the other hand, I still want to go to the mountains for a bit of tobogganing before summer is here. But being from Africa, we keep on waiting for the perfect day to go to the snow. We don't want rain, hail, snow or wind when we go - no way, it's too cold and wet then. The only sunny days we had so far this winter, was in the middle of the week. So, here we are, still waiting for a sunny Sunday.

So now for our relatively quiet weekend schedule (this is REALLY a very relaxed weekend compared to most of our others). It makes me realize what a wonderful social life the girls have and what a crappy one I have!

Friday 5 September
3:30pm	Pick both girls up from two different schools
7:00pm	Drop both girls off at Youth Group activities - an all nighter this time
10:00pm	Pick girl no.2 up from Youth Group activities - she doesn't want to stay the night

Saturday 6 September
8:10am	Take girl no.1 to basketball game
8:30am	Pick girl no.1 up from Youth Group activities (after the all nighter)
11:00am	Take girl no.2 to the basketball game of the team she's coaching
1:00pm	Pick a friend of girl no.1 up from tennis, because she's staying the night - parents away
??pm	Take girl no.1 to her basketball game
??pm	Take girl no.1 and her stay-over friend bikini shopping - another depressing thing, because I can't wear one!
11:30pm	Anticipating:Yelling at the girls because they don't want to quiet down.

Now, Sunday is still a mystery to me. If it is not raining, snowing or windy, we'll go for a visit to the snow. Otherwise it is church in the morning. Whatever we do on Sunday we HAVE TO BE BACK AT 5pm, because girl no.1 and her stay-over friend has a small group get together at church... which finishes at 8:15pm... another pickup to do.

Well, that's it for the weekend. Tonight we're off to an information night at school to help with the subject choices for year 10, but more about that later in the week.

Stuck up people

Now I have had it!!!!!! What is it with my fellow "country of birth" migrants? There is absolutely no other group of immigrants who are as stuck up as you lot are!!!

Goodness me! This is the normal conversation pattern whenever you meet one of THEM for the first time... They start off with a series of standard questions:

1. In which suburb do you live?...... that is to determine the possible price range of your house
2. Do you rent or have you bought?....ok , so you live in the right suburb, but did you actually buy the house?
   
3. Which school does your child attend?.... can you afford a private school or do you go public?
   
4. What does your husband do?... ok, so where do you fit on the social ladder of society?
   

And then, if your car is not visible, they will eventually steer the conversation to try and find out what type of car you drive and boy oh boy if it's not a 4x4, you fall right off the ladder!

Because, you see, Australia is not a country where people care a lot about the cars their neighbours' drive, the size of their neighbours' houses, or their job titles which then means that the only other people these poor idiots can compete with, are their fellow country of birth migrants.

So if you were wondering why I mostly avoid you, this is the reason why!

Birthday Blues

So here we go again, time for my yearly "3 days of depression", because the birthday is here. NOT because I am getting older - can't be bothered about that - because I MISS MY FAMILY!!!!!

Every year I go through the same thing. My little one is turning 12 today and her birthday signals the start of my big sulk. Then in 2 days time it is the birth date of my dad , my sister (7 years younger than me) and me. How's that for good planning on mum and dad's side?

They couldn't have guessed at the time that I would be living half a world apart from them in 36 years time. So, for the first 36 years of my life, I was with them on every single one of my birthdays. Even though I have been without them for the last 5 birthdays, it still gets to me. There is no other time or place in my life where I miss them more, than on these few days every year. No matter what I do, or were I am, I feel this big hole in my life and I sulk about all the other things I have to do without.

One of the biggest issues we are facing, is having no extended family near us. The quickest we can get to them is on a 15 hour flight! The kids are growing up without grandparents, without cousins, without aunties and uncles. Even though we see them about once every two years, the bonds have been broken. The kids don't know what they're missing, so they don't even think about it, but I DO!

I love life in our new country and we are safe, the kids have a bright future ahead of them and they will create a new extended family for us in years to come, but I am soooo sad about the things we all miss out on.

Every year I get this angry feeling about the fact that I feel almost driven out of my country of birth. I know we made the choice, and it was the right one for us, but still, if things were different we wouldn't have had to make that choice in the first place! Well, I guess I'll get over this one too.

Teenage girls

How awfully hard it is to sometimes be the mother of a teenage girl.... We've put the boyfriend crisis behind is, just to stumble into another one. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

I have never even considered going on a parenting course, but I am starting to have serious thoughts about that one. I really, really don't need to get tips on how to handle my own 14 year old, but ....

I NEED TO HAVE A QUICK COURSE ON HOW TO HANDLE OTHER MUMS' TEENAGE GIRLS BEFORE I DO SOMETHING IRRESPONSIBLE

This is my easy-going 14 year old girl in a nutshell:

• No slamming of door's ever, and I mean EVER.
  
• No sulking, EVER
• Very happy-go-lucky and easy to get along with
  
• One day PMS every month, which results in her being less chatty and that is ALL
  
• Loves people and makes friends wherever she goes
  

But she has apparently one big flaw...... she doesn't want to get involved in bitchy cat fights between friends. Obviously got some of my genes.... the ones causing me to avoid confrontation.... well that's her... she walks away.

So, while the bitchiness and gossiping is going on, she leaves the group and walks away. Now everyone is fine with that while the fight is on, but as soon as the fight is over, they need something to occupy themselves with, so what do some of them do... turn on her ... because she didn't take sides in the fight.... Oh my goodness... Now it's all about her not contributing to the group.

And all she keeps on saying to me is: "Mum, why are girls so complicated? Boys are so much easier to get along with!" Well, you see, that is exactly why we had the boyfriend issue. Madam realized that it was much easier with a boy as a best friend, but didn't realize how hard it was going to be to keep it from growing into something other than friendship

What advice do I need to give her? I can't tell her to get involved, because, she is actually acting mature by not getting involved, because it is usually about some or other trivial issue not worth getting involved in in the first place. I can't tell her to leave the group, because there are some very nice girls in the group with whom she really are good friends.

It is as if my girl and I are both living in a world we sometimes don't understand.... A lot of the times, I avoid friendship with certain ladies, because of all the emotional stuff I just don't get. And I don't mean straight forward issues and hang ups, I mean the extreme sensitivity of some women. I do things wrong, without even noticing. But, it is easy for me, I don't need to be part of a group, and I can choose who I want to be friends with, but not her. The whole social scene at school is group orientated, and even if she doesn't need a group (which she doesn't), she has to be part of one to survive high school. Don't get me wrong, she operates well within a group, as long as she is allowed to not always get involved, which se isn't :-(

I just hope that things will get easier as all the girls mature and grow up. This mum is just not equipped to handle these situations, because quite frankly, this mum doesn't GET IT.

Mothers-in-law are great.........

.......................when they are on the other side of our planet, like mine!

We have decided to send a digital photo frame, with about 300 photos on the memory card, to each side of the family when friends of us recently went over for a visit. What do you think was my dear mother-in-law's first words... oh well, I should be honest.... first words after "Thank you" ? Oh wait, let me first say, she hasn't seen me in 3 years. Anyway, the 2nd thing she said:

"The girls are growing up, and your belly is getting bigger by the day"

I was gobsmacked. This coming from a very 'sensitive' lady who can get all worked up if you just look at her the wrong way. I was flabbergasted and couldn't even get any words out. She quickly moved on to the next subject, leaving me lost for words for the next 10 minutes.

And then I suddenly thought of what I could have said. Phrases popped up in my mind:
"It will probably keep growing as I am getting older mommy dearest, as you would know"

or

"I wonder if my arms will also go the way yours are going, like my tummy"

or

"Yes, isn't it funny that we aren't even related"

Why, oh why can't I ever think of nasty things to say when I really need to???? I am forever shying away from confrontation and the only times in my life where I have wished to be different was when I had to hold my own in a conversation with a nasty person.

Now let me explain to you: I am 167cm tall, weigh 58kg, have been wearing the same clothes (chuckle., chuckle... size)for the past 8 years. I am not sensitive at all, but I am wondering where on earth she got that from....... And why would you say something like that to ANYONE?!!! The sad thing is that she really likes me and sees me as her daughter - hubby is one of two boys.

I don't know, but it feels as if this feeling she has had for more than 25 years now, the feeling of me 'stealing' her boy from her, still rears its ugly head from time to time. Years ago, when I was only sixteen, I felt as if I was in constant competition with her when it comes to her first born. The battle (only in her mind) has been won by me, probably 23 years ago, but she still can't accept it and these little nasty things get thrown at me from time to time.

I guess there is always something to be thankful for - the fact that I have hubby on my side. He thinks his mum is crazy sometimes and she manages to push his wrong buttons from time to time as well. There is never a question about where his loyalty lies.

I should probably just shut up and be very glad she is on another continent!

New friendships, old friendships....

A lot of effort has gone into the building and rebuilding of friendships in our house this week. So, I guess I don't have much to poop about today.

Hmmm... maybe about how hard it is to have three nearly 12 year old giggling girls over for a sleepover in the middle of the week when hubby has to go to work the next morning. Guess who cops it all? ME. I get to prepare the beds and clear up the next morning, I get to prepare three healthy meals, because I don't want these girls to tell their parents they got junk food at our house :-) Oh and all these different cultures thrown together - one girl is South African, the other one Greek (born in Australia, Greek parents), one true blue, second generation, Australian (with Russian grandparents) and one half Dutch, half Chinese . That's Australia for you mate - the true rainbow nation. Anyway, I get to do the extra dishes, but worst of all...... I have to listen to hubby's complaints when the girls don't quiet down before 1 am... and oh my, the next morning...... grumpy, grumpy, grumpy. AND after work the next day grumpier, grumpier, grumpier. Well, the mood can only get better from today onwards..... I hope... it won't take him more than one good night's sleep to recover, would it? Is it only in this country that sleepovers are so popular, or does it happen all over the world??? I HATE sleepovers, no, that is incorrect... I HATE sleepovers at my house.

Because of the lack of technology in the 14 year old's life, it was back to the good old phone (we wanted to take that away as well, but were unable to find carrier pigeons on short notice). Isn't that just great? I reckon we might have this break away from technology as a regular occurrence in our house. Suddenly 'we' had to fall back on good old communication skills, because LOL, LMAO, BIFFL and LYLAB just don't do it on the phone. She has some friends with very conservative parents - funny religious affiliation. These friends are not allowed to have mobile phones, boyfriends, MSNs, Facebooks and Myspaces before the age of 16. Well, sorry darling, but I am starting to see the value of that. So madam has used the phone to organize a rollerblading session for today. She is so proud of herself for arranging a social activity with JUST A PHONE....

Because of all the ups and downs in my life, thanks to the girls, I didn't get much time for my friends this week - which are all relatively new by the way, because we've only been in this country for 5 years......that's another story. But, I'm proud to say that I have picked up some very old friendships (27 years... phew!!!) and I am sooo glad to have some people back in my life ;-)

No BOYFRIEND anymore

Well, well, well....... it happened.....she broke up with THE BOYFRIEND. What a cruel world this is..... Yes, my poor 14yrs and 3mnths old girl, had to learn that life is tough.

Shhh, I think my talk might have something to do with the break up. She said to me that she thought (before our talk) that there might have been something wrong with her for feeling trapped in this serious relationship this young. Because of our TALK she realized that there's nothing wrong with her, it is too serious for her to handle now. I told her that it is a very mature decision to make and that it might not be easy to do.

Well, she told him on Monday (two weeks ago) that she needed a break, but that she likes him a lot and wants them to be friends like they were about six months ago... hmmm Mommy is wondering.... what does THAT MEAN?!!!!! You're more than friends now... what did you doooooo???? This is all good in a dream world, but in reality.... he was furious.

The text messages started coming through straight after school on Monday - from every Tom, Dick, Harry and their brothers. All his friends were on her for breaking up. I felt like screaming obscenities, because, after all THEY ARE ONLY 14

She was 'called over' by his 16 year old sister and her friends during lunch. She obviously ignored them and stayed away, but still, the stress was almost unbearable. So, Tuesday back to school - more of the same bullying and trying to stay out of the way of 16 year olds. Tuesday night came and we had a massive break down at home.

She cried non-stop for two hours... and my girl is NO drama queen. She almost never cries... a very happy go lucky bubbly girl. I tried to make it clear that she feels like this because of all the stress and because she misses his attention, but I couldn't calm her down for two hours. Have to say she felt better afterwards.

School broke up for a two week holiday on the Friday, which is a big help and I just hope everything will have calmed down when she goes back.

We are now 2 weeks down the line and school starts again on Monday. She is still very vulnerable, like she has never been before, but she'll be okay.

I am very concerned for all teenagers, because of the age we live in. In our days, we went home after a fight at school. Now there's just no getting away from it all. It is mobile phones, MSN, Facebook, Myspace and whatever else. We decided to take all technology away this week, just to save her from it all.

I have aged 20 years over the last two week... No poop on my shoes.... I fell with my face in it.

An new day ... a new problem

Ok, so I have officially created a new problem for myself. Maybe to move the boyfriend issue on the backburner? Who knows.

I have left the old computer on for too long... and it started burning... yewww... that smell. I switched it of and it switched itself on again...and again. Ok, so I pulled the plug. Hubby came home, very irritated (to put it mildly), he is not in ther mood for computer problems. Pulled it apart and yes...almost everything GONE!

A bit of background.... the hubby and I are both IT consultants and like the dentist with the kids with terrible teeth, our computer is in a terrible state..... OLD.... ANCIENT. Well, we have 4 laptops in the house and a 5th one stays overnight every night. But this one was the MAIN one. To make the problem worse...I am working from home at the moment and have just finished about 10 hours of work which I still had to backup. Arghhhhh.....

So, my darling husband says the C-drive can be salvaged, but I will have to fish every little thing of it one by one. What am I to do? Redo that 10 hours of work? Now here's another problem....... I CAN'T remember exactly what I've done to get this new program to where it is now.... obviously some SERIOUS short term memory problems in my upstairs. I will just HAVE to sit down and go through the maze of finding everything I've done. Will most probably take me 20 hours this time around and I CAN'T CHARGE MY CLIENT FOR IT :-(

So here we are:

1. We need to buy a new computer
2. We need money to buy a new computer
3. We don't have money to buy a new computer
4. I need to work to earn money to buy a new computer
5. I can't work to earn money to buy a new computer, because there's no computer to work on

I think we're stuffed... I have stepped in that poop!

The BOYFRIEND... continues

Another night of tossing and turning trying to find a solution for this PROBLEM in our lives. You know how things just feel and sound worse in the dark??? The problem grows as the hours pass after midnight. Must admit, it does seem to shrink back to proper proportions as the sun rises.

Ok, so don't get me wrong. This boy is a perfectly nice boy. If I have to pick one of her friends for her for a boyfriend, I will pick him...attention... if I HAVE to pick, that is at gunpoint. So I don't mind them having this relationship.....in 3 years time, just NOT NOW.

I have so wished that this was just a thing of which the novelty will wear off. But now, a year has passed I have to admit, it's not a novelty!!! There, I have said it. Why oh why couldn't you have been as crazy about your Nintendo DS or all the other toys we have bought over the years? Their popularity have only lasted a couple of months, what is sooo special about this BOYFRIEND?

I can't use the excuse of "your shoolwork is falling behind", because it isn't. She's a straight A student with 3 years of high school left and we have nothing to worry about... that is apart from this BOYFRIEND issue.

So well, I guess there are people with far more serious problems than me, so I better try and get through the day without thinking about this issue and minding my steps to avoid the poo.

The BOYFRIEND

Ok, so here we are in the not so new phase........ She has a BOYFRIEND. The SAME one for the last year. This is seriously SCARY. Now you maythink that having the same boyfriend for so long is a good thing, but wait................................................ not when you're only 14. She's a sensible girl, but still, she's soooo young.

How on earth do we handle this? I feel like locking her up until she's at least 18, but then, homeschooling has never been my thing!
So what did I do?

I sat her down (well more like I go yaddayaddayaddayadda while driving her to sport training) for a serious talk. You know... "Don't go too fast", "Every step you take from now on can't be undone - you have done it, no turning around", "If you take a step now because you think it's time for the next step, it will mean that you'll be looking for a another next step soon"

"Yes Mum, I understand what you're saying". Well, at least she agrees, but do you think I am going to have a good nights sleep tonight .... No, not yet! When will I ever be able to sleep? When I am 70, just before my bladder keeps me up all night?

Well, I hope you have a better rest tonight than me...
Watch out... don't step on that poop